I’m tired and going to bed soon, but I thought I should drop a line to say that I’m alive and well. Things have picked up since my last post… I should write about it later!

But for now, I’ll just post a few pictures of Baby A., who’s growing more and more beautifully each day.

I feel like I’m under the influence of some really bad planets right now.

A month and a half ago, I quit my old job because I was offered something really interesting in a yoga studio. I love the fact that it was in yoga, that I would also be teaching there, that it was close to home, close to daycare, and with people I’ve known and practiced yoga for years.

Last Monday, I was informed that the owners of the studio reconsidered their offer. For a bunch of reasons, some of which seemed rather weak to me.

So here it is: my maternity leave ends in one week, and I am jobless.

Freaking out (but still doing everything the situation requires).

Thank god I have Baby A. to keep me grounded.

Here are a few more recent pictures of my little flower.

  • Hmm… Raspberries
  • Having fun with mommy

    Having fun with mommy

    Bathing in Cheerios

    Baby A. and mommy doing yoga

    Cool bandana

    Look at the onesie my daddy got me!

    It’s been a long time. I’ve been busy. With lots of fun stuff… and some of the crap life also throws at you once in a while.

    I’m doing good. I quit my job in advertising, and I’ll be doing comms and PR for my yoga studio, on top of teaching yoga. It’s great. I’m really excited about that.

    Baby A. is doing wonderfully well. She is such an amazing little girl, I still can’t believe how blessed we are that she chose Dutchboy and I to be her parents. She eats by herself (doesn’t want to be fed with a spoon anymore at all), crawls at an amazing speed, and she’s starting to experiment with stairs. She is such a sweet, wonderful little person already.

    However, I seem to have lost — or to be on the edge of losing — the person whom, next to my daughter is the most important in the world to me. I don’t know what happened, or how it happened, I just know that it hurts a fucking lot. I’m trying to let go. Of him. Of the situation. Of my feelings. Because life goes on and I have to be there for my little girl. And because there is nothing I can do right now to fix things. I can only hope, and wait. But my heart is crying, and my body’s experiencing the pain.

    Thank god I have my yoga mat, where I feel a little bit more at peace, whether I’m teaching or practicing, and wonderful Baby A., who makes me laugh through my tears.

    If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t, they never were.

    I hope with all of my heart and soul that eventually I am welcomed back into the only home I want.

    Wow, it’s been almost 3 months since I last posted! I’ve been really busy with Baby Audrey, obviously, but also with yoga.

    Baby stuff first: our little girl is absolutely amazing! She’s got two teeth now, started both eating cereals and sitting up without support last Saturday. She is such a good baby, so playful, so much fun! I can’t believe she will already be 6 months in a couple of days! Time flies way too fast. I would like to keep her little like this forever… and at the same time, I love and enjoy watching her acquire new skills, being able to do things for the first time.

    I’ve also been quite busy with yoga. I started working for the studio I study at in January. They’re expanding, releasing new products (CDs, DVDs, etc.) and they needed help with the communications side of it all, so they asked me to do it. I’ve also been teaching quite a bit, subbing whenever a teacher has to be replaced. As of this week, I also have my own pregnancy yoga class. It’s a bit weird: I’m just coming out of pregnancy (or actually, I keep saying I’m still in it… the way back is just as difficult as the pregnancy itself!) and I didn’t really do any pregnancy yoga while I was pregnant because I already had my practice. So now I’m studying a lot and adapting to a new kind of teaching (most women who do pregnancy yoga have never done yoga before). I love it! I’m also taking a short pregnancy yoga teacher’s training tomorrow (I had signed up for it before I was offered this class), so that should really help me.

    Oh, and I signed up for a week-end workshop with Sharon Salzberg in May, and another one with Richard Freeman in August. I still have 4 months and a half to get back to an Ashtanga shape… Because despite being back to the yoga practice for 4 months already, and practicing several times a week (hey, in January, I almost made WoYoPracMo: I just *forgot* to practice on the 30th!), I’m really not there yet. My strength used to be arm balances, whether it be handstand or chaturanga dandasana, but right now even chaturanga is hell. I don’t get it. Pregnancy was tough on my back and on my legs, not on my arms!

    That’s all the time I have for tonight. I’ll have to give Audrey her last bottle and then put her to bed. Will try to post more often, especially since there’s so much yoga going on in my life!

    I was supposed to post the story of Audrey’s birth a loooong time ago, but things have been so busy! Audrey is now 12 weeks old, and this time with her has been so magical, so amazing. Motherhood is the best thing in the world. It’s not always easy, there are some moments when you don’t know what to do with this little thing who has been fed, changed, hugged and is still crying… But this feeling of loving her so much that you think your heart might break from being overused is totally priceless. I wonder if it lasts forever or if it goes away at some point? I hope it does last forever. It’s too great to care for and love someone so much.

    The good side of waiting so long before telling the story of her birth is that this will be a much shorter version than if I had told it right after it happened.

    I broke my water on September 25, around 5 p.m. Dutchboy was finishing up his day at work, so I called him and told him it was it. We got to the hospital around 6.30. When asked if I had contractions, I was like “Well, I don’t feel anything more than the Braxton Hicks contractions I’ve been having since week 30”. Turned out that I was having contractions every 2-4 minutes, but I couldn’t feel the pain of them! I was put on IV for Strep B treatment, and labor was induced (because I had lost my water, we needed to be sure she would come out within 24 hours, so a little help was necessary).

    Contractions got closer together and stronger, but I didn’t feel any pain (which was a good thing because I couldn’t have the epidural). Work progressed nicely during the night. Contractions were still not hurting, and I kept thinking the pain was going to kick in at some point. It didn’t! I was given some nubin during the night so I could sleep a bit. I love this drug! Dutchboy also slept in the chair next to me.

    Around 5.30 on the morning of September 26, the doctor told me I was completely dilated. Since I still didn’t have any pain,  I was really surprised. I started pushing at 6.55. Two hours later, still nothing. We found out that the baby had moved and was now lying in a transversal position: there was no way she would come out of there naturally. After trying (and failing) the forceps, it ended in a c-section (under general anasthesia).

    Audrey was born at 9.34 a.m. on September 26. She was very sleepy because of the anasthesia and swallowed a lot of amniotic fluid at birth, so she needed to be intubated and kept in the ICU for the first days of her life (she was extubated after 6 hours, though). I didn’t see her for 12 hours after she was born, but thankfully Dutchboy and my sister (who works at the hospital) were there to give me regular news.

    I finally had Audrey with me in my room two days and a half after she was born (the first nights without her were so difficult, it was so hard to hear the babies crying in the other rooms and not have mine with me) . The first moments without her were difficult, but what really matters is that she was doing great and was in perfect health, despite the difficult birth.

    Despite the c-section, I keep saying that it was a perfect birth. It was painless (the worst moment was waking up after the surgery), Audrey was doing great (despite the small respiratory problems at first) and we were so happy.

    The one thing that I do regret, however, is regarding the breastfeeding. Audrey was given the bottle while in the ICU (I didn’t have much milk in the first few days because I wasn’t with her much and I never had the chance to hold her skin to skin), and she always refused to latch on the breast after this. No matter how hard we tried, it never worked. I fed her with a nipple shield, but my milk production never got high enough to satisfy her needs, so we’ve had to do mixed feeding from the beginning. I took Domperidone to stimulate my milk production, too, but that wasn’t enough either. It’s been a difficult situation, and very hard to accept, too. Now, I really don’t have much milk left (barely an ounce a day), and although I’m glad I was able to give her some maternal milk all this time, I still haven’t accepted and still am not at peace with the situation. I would have wanted to breastfeed her exclusively until she was 6 months.

    BUT Audrey is growing beautifully, she is an amazing little girl, we absolutely adore her and she makes us the happiest and proudest parents in the world!

    dec_13-155.jpg

    I had to wait 6 weeks after delivery to start yoga again. I waited 5 weeks… and 6 days.  I was totally itching to get back to the practice, I was so looking forward to it! Since week 6, I’ve been going to at least 1 class a week. I’m only doing gentle classes; restorative or anti-stress yoga. It’s enough for now. The pregnancy was a bit rough, I don’t feel I’ve fully recovered yet. But I’m getting there!

    I just signed up for WoYoPracMo again. Hopefully I will do better than last year (I practiced every day for the first two weeks, but then I felt so tired every night that I gave up… I found out on January 17 that I was pregnant!). My goal: 10 minutes of daily meditation and 10 minutes of daily practice. It’s really not a lot, but with a 3-month old baby, it may be very optimistic! I’ll be very happy if I can get that much yoga in.

    I’m also starting to teach my first regular yoga class in January! A few weeks ago, I told the manager of my yoga studio that I would be glad to be on the sub teachers list for January… She offered me a class instead! So I’ll be teaching anti-stress yoga on Tuesday mornings. I am so looking forward to that!

    In other news, we moved to a nicer, bigger appartment this week-end. The place is a whole mess right now (try setting things up with a young baby!). Thank god the holidays are coming and so Dutchboy will be a little bit more home and we can do all the work together.

    Nap time for Audrey… and me. It’s been a hard week-end, I worked hard yesterday (with all the snow we got, I dug the car out… fun!!!)

    More soon… I promise!

    Because she’s so pretty… I just like to show her off!

    week03_03.jpg

    Gotta find time to write about the birth and the first 4 weeks… As you can see, it’s making Baby A. really upset that I didn’t take the time to do it yet! Soon (hopefully!)…

    week03_09.jpg

    Audrey Lauren Senff

    Born on September 26, at 9.34 a.m. via c-section
    6 lbs, 9 onz
    19 inches

    More details when I get 5 minutes to write!

    I never thought this would happen to me, but I did fall into the pink paint bucket the minute I found out we were having a girl. Audrey’s room is now pretty much done, except for a few small details, and it’s verrrrrrrry rose.

    A few pictures…

    Latest baby news: We had an echo to monitor the growth on Thursday (the previous week, my doctor thought the fundus height hadn’t evolved enough). She’s perfectly sized, estimated to weight a little bit more than 6 pounds at 36.5 weeks. It seems she’s also a very shy little girl, as she kept her little hands by her face the whole time!

    I gained 700g between 35.5 and 36.5 weeks, and as of Thursday, I was 2 cm dilated and 80% effaced. Could this mean that Baby Audrey will get here sooner than her September 22 due date? It’s very possible… although it’s also very possible that she stays in there until late September as well! I have no idea. I do know, however, that she dropped a lot during the week-end. On Saturday night, she was moving and wiggling so much more than usual. Usually, I go to bed and she goes to sleep at the same time as me. Not Saturday. She really wouldn’t stop moving. When I got up the next morning, I could really feel the upper line of my uterus — which used to be really close to my breasts — a lot lower. The line between the top of the uterus and the belly button was much more steep, too. And again this morning, we could see a difference with yesterday. A little bit lower and she’ll bungee jump right out of me!

    I don’t really feel contractions right now. I do have a few cramps and and unusual pains, but nothing that I would call a contraction. My anxiety level has been getting higher and higher lately, knowing she was about to come out and still not knowing exactly when. But now I think I’m mostly just excited about it. Although, as I’ve said many times before, I’ll really miss feeling her inside of me when she’s out, I am sooooo looking forward to holding her in my arms! And I am soooooo looking forward to seeing Dutchboy with her as well. Who will she look like? What’s her personality going to be like? We’re going to have so much fun.

    Check out www.AudreySenff.com for the official countdown and additional pictures in the near future!

    If she is on time, Baby Audrey will be here in 25 days. Twenty-five days. That’s 3 weeks and a half.

    I’m not freaking out (this time). Just realizing how times goes by ridiculously fast and how my life is about to drastically change — forever.

    And I can’t wait!!!

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